Keith Hehir Lynch: A glimspe at the taxi code

Because you enjoyed my 'what makes a taxi driver' column so much last week, and when that letter came flooding in, It got me thinking that I'd like to take you through the taxi driver's hand book provided by the illustrious and benevolent council.

You can tell the depth of experience and knowledge that went into the Taxi Bible - a document that defines, educates and confuses the average common cab driver. Until now it has been hidden from the public, only ever to have its sacred pages thumbed by Hackney Carriage Masters of the craft.

So, for the first time ever may I present to you this sacred text...

Them up at Observer towers wouldn't let me insert a suitable music clip into this piece at this point...you know, to add to the feeling of solemnity and er...speciallyness, but they went on about last straws and camels backs again.

As you are already on the internet, copy and paste these music choices into a new tab in your browser and have it playing in the background whilst you absorb these words.

Once you have opened new tab, paste these addresses in, this is the quiet one: http://tinyurl.com/362brvm and this isn't so quiet: http://tinyurl.com/2dlslud

Don't worry they are safe!

Choose what mood of music you want to hear, play then minimise! We can then begin. And here ARE those great words of wisdom taken from those scroll:

-When your customers comb-over has flopped over, don't offer to comb it back for him and lick down the straggly bit.

-If you unfortunately break down, tie your passengers to your waist and do a walking taxi to their destination.

-When asked do you do "a set fare?" explain that you had loads of them earlier on, but have now sold out.

-When a drunk falls asleep on your shoulder, and you want to avoid the possibility that he might hurt himself, please don't hang him from the mirror with his scarf to keep him upright, the police don't like it.